Toward Home

I come, dragging leaden feet.
Futility fills the silence
between us, weighing heavy.
More a liability than an asset,
dodging the fact that I am indeed
who I thought I was not,
I defy all imperfection.
I am allergic to it.
Polishing and preening
I prefer to pretend instead;
pretend that I am not wretched
and riddled with iniquity
underneath.

Aches and sorrows
and unfulfilled desires
gape like open wounds,
oozing loneliness,
selfish ambition,
self preservation,
Independence.
I am all here but deficient,
insecurities gnawing away
inside like cancer.
Hypocrisy has led me to this
unforgiving wilderness
of exposure.

Stumbling around alone,
my cover is blown
and I wander, searching for an escape.
Is this the wage of rebellion?!
All this empty, echoing space?
If it is, it is crushing,
this silence.

But suddenly – softly! – a whisper
stirs in the shadows,
swelling with wonderful mercy
and crashing over my parched soul
in torrents, compelling me
to go further, push onward.
Surrender wells up,
spills down my cheeks.

I remember.

From the womb
You have cared for me,
You have been with me from birth.
I know you are God, and
You do only good – I know
in the depths of my being.
Oh, I am impoverished before You,
a proper basket case!
Walking blindly, in wild hope,
my heart accelerates to a frenzy
of overwhelming passion –
of sorrow at my own small faith,
of pure wonder and gratitude
at the goodness that still rings

in Your voice.

The voice I long to know better.
Searing my heart like white-hot coals,
Your words burn through me,
reassuring, refining,
revealing, renewing.
They are a compass
pointing me home.
I realise how starving I am!
Starved for the Word of Life,
The One who IS life.

Newborn dependency blooms,
blossoms, pushing upward
towards the light, and
I understand now –
I know without doubt that
nothing is hidden from You.
Nothing, in all creation!
Everything I’ve ever longed for –
anything good that I am and can be,
Is merely residue of Your truth,
Your mercy, Your Spirit at work.

Honesty, though it may be unflattering,
is all you want.

I turn, redirected,
the door of my heart flung wide.
Hope shimmers on the horizon,
steady.

‘Oh, lead me! Renew me!
Take these weary hands
and brittle bones
and make them strong!
Bend and smooth and fashion
until every broken part
is straight and true; until I am
a sharp arrow in your quiver.
Give me eyes for only You,
ears attuned to every word
that issues from your mouth.
May your voice be loudest
and strongest and clearest
amidst the voices that clamour
for my attention, constantly.
Have all of me –
What I know and don’t know,
what I see and don’t see,
who I am and who You want me to be.
You are the truth and the life,
everlasting.’

And then, there you are!
Resplendant in light.
We meet me on the road
toward home, Your gaze intent,
Your arms outstretched.

And You run.

With all you are,
You run to embrace me,
A prodigal returned.
Jesus.
All beauty, all power,
all wisdom, all grace.
You are the One that I need,
the One who sees, who knows
And has never stopped loving.
You are the One who heals and saves,
Who has power to redeem even wasted time,

even squandered wealth.
You. Only and always,

You.